I grew up in a family that struggle to display love, my parents where very broken from within and their inner demons bleed out around me. [Fast forwarding a bit] After growing up and being physically and emotionally abused for most of my childhood I reached my teenage years and I made a vow I wasn’t going to be like my dad. Little did I know at that moment I was going to become exactly like my dad with a twist of my own personality.
By the age of 12 I lost my virginity and became a gang member I quickly come to believe that love was felt through sex so I became a sex addict and it lead to a porn addiction that lasted well into my late 30’s I praise God because I am now porn free its going on almost 6 months being porn free. Anyways back to my story. Because my parents rejected me a lot I grew a fear against rejection so I tried to reject others before they could reject me. Even though I had a lot of sex in my teenage years I never grew close to any of the teenage women I always kept them at arms length I would tickle their ears with my words just so I could get more sex from them because to me it was how you felt loved.
When I didn’t get my way I became a violent person just like my dad did when he would become drunk. This type of behavior fueled my ranks among the gang I belonged to. I joined the gang because it promoted family-hood boy was I in for a world of hurt because it was the farthest thing from the truth at least for me. I became a very cold hearten teenager and I would seek revenge against others because it made me feel powerful. I pretty much became a monster because of learnt behavior mixed with my non godly attitude.
I mean I hated God and yet I believed He couldn’t exist because of everything I went through in life growing up. But the real question I once asked myself was, how can I hate God if I don’t believe He exist? I had come to terms that God did exist but He existed to torture me. I believed God had hatred towards me and I was going to receive His holy hell because of it.
By the age of 16 I had taken an overdose of some very powerful drugs and yet the God I so believed hated me sent a Christian paramedic to my moms house to rescue me, not just my physical being but my spiritual condition as well. As I was dying in the back of the ambulance the male paramedic said to me ⇒
I might offend you right now and I could become fired because of it, but you need prayer right now because I have done all I can do for you right now and now I must leave it in my Lord’s hands to take care of you.
So the paramedic prayed with me and ask me to repeat the sinners prayer just encase the Lord decided to take me out of this world. I was so high from the drugs but yet I was scared of dying at the same time so I decided to repeat the prayer the paramedic lead me with.