Recently I had fallen into a deep depression and I allowed myself to fall into the pit of self pity. I could either choose to stay there or stand strong and fight back. I must choose to fight back for if I don’t the depression will just keep me in a downward spiral. I like to listen to the book of Psalms when I feel depressed because the author speaks about looking upon God instead of the circumstances which can help further the depression.
For most of my life I would either run or lay down and accept wherever the depression would take me, and at times it takes me to dark area’s of my life. My life does consist of a dark past, but the past shouldn’t be the focal point but I find myself going there at times. This struggle leaves me feeling more depressed because I dwell upon all the mishaps and mistakes I have endured. I am an child of God, so why I’m I not living like one? I believe it’s because I have a hard time letting go of the pain from the past and I cling to the inner wall of so called protection instead of looking to God for protection.
I must learn to practice trusting through faith, because it’s the only way I can move forward as a Christian. I have found myself lately feeling like I’m at a lost without God, and I find myself hungry for God’s attention but I do nothing to feed myself the word of God, at times I find I allow the business of life to get in the way as an excuse and it must stop. I must take time to read the word and soak it in while I meditate upon the word as well my prayer life needs to become more active. I find myself at times repeating the same prayer words like it’s okay to do so and it’s not.
I am a soulja 4 Christ in the midst of transition I say this because as of recently I was ready to throw the towel in with walking along side the Lord and I had decided the latter of continuing to follow Him and walk beside Him, well, now I must back that up with action of faith and stop running from God. He hasn’t abandon me, yet I feel like he has at times, but the truth of the matter is I have abandon Him, when I decide to run away, hence why I feel abandon.
I do truly love the Lord, but I find it’s easier to focus on my set backs then to place my focus upon the Lord and allow myself to leave the comfort zone I call “self protection”. I need to allow the Lord to have full control of my life I say this because as of right now I feel like my life is spirally out of control and the only promising anchor that looks solid is God Himself. I can no longer be double minded and say one thing and do another. I mean I can feel the pull from within to accept the greatness of God, but yet I continue to fight against that feeling and it’s making me feel miserable from within.
I really need to come to terms with the fact God is not going away no matter how much I run away or try to hide from Him, I say this because He, is everywhere and there is no place to run and hide. So I should just accept the uncomfortable zone because God is calling me there and He’s asking me to not hesitate getting there. God has made it quite clear to me He will not change the course because it makes me feel uncomfortable instead God is coaching me to step into the unknown which is known to Him and trust Him with bold faith. Either way I must come to terms with the fact God is trying to help me and I’m fighting that process. Why I’m I fighting the process, I believe it’s because of the hurt I have endured in my life span. But I must come to terms with letting go of that pain and receive the love and grace coming from God Himself,