Please note this is my latest journal entry and a reflection of my walk and struggles of being a Christian.
Since I can remember I have always had this habit where I will start something strong and finish weak, that’s if I even finish the project at all. I would become inspired and go from 0 to 100 in a heartbeat this is the reason I hardly finish anything I start because I become burnt out. I have been feeling burnt out with the S4C, blog and I keep hearing God whisper keep going you have a lot to share, but I always seem to run into writers block which frustrates me. The Lord has told me that the writers block happens when I start to work in the flesh. I have been trying my hardest not to work within the boundaries of the flesh.
I have always been a shy type of person and it may be because of all the rejection over the years I’ve dealt with. The Lord asked me to start S4C, because He wanted me to share the struggles and triumph of a christian life. God has asked me to be very public with my walk with Him. I have to admit this caused me to feel uncomfortable because I am sharing my thoughts over the internet with individuals I don’t even know…For the most part everyone has been supportive and I couldn’t ask for a better group of followers because of their support and encouragement. I do also become inspired by your comments and messages.
Yes this blog is called Soulja 4 Christ, but this blog is not meant to display a perfect Soulja 4 Christ, it’s suppose to display the realness of that soulja. But it seems to me this is where I am failing because I have been failing to be a spiritual leader in my own home. If I cannot set the tone for my own family and display the importance of God to my own family then where do I come off trying to convey the importance of God to individuals. This by far is my biggest struggle right now and I think part of the reason I have been backing away from writing for the S4C, blog.
God wants realness in a relationship with Him, and at this point in my life I’m in a transition of becoming the Christian soulja God intended me to become I have broken trust with my wife lately especially when I started doing drugs again. (Please note I have been sober now for a while) My wife has told me that I started to be the husband God intended for her in the beginning of our marriage and she feels like now I have given up on that aspect. I know deep down this is a problem that I have had since I was young, which is I start strong and not finish what I’ve started…This attitude of mine is affecting the ones I love and it’s discouraging me to the point I feel like throwing in the towel with God. I feel like the devil has me right where he wants me which is being in a circle of self doubt.
I mean If I cannot live life around the ones that know me best and display to them that the Lord is my true and only Lord and Savoir, then how am I to display to others without feeling fake. This is another reason I started to give up writing for the S4C, blog. I cannot help but feel like there is a breakthrough around the corner and yet I feel like it’s unreachable at the same time. I think also the circumstance my wife and I have faced since January is wearing us down. Especially my wife because I have failed to lead with direction instead my wife has witness me put my tail between my legs and run as fast as I could away from facing those circumstance with faith while believing the Lord would get us through those circumstances.
I’ve come to a point in my life where the Lord has warned me countless times and I had not listen each and every time and now I am witnessing my wife struggle to stay afloat with her relationship with her Lord and Savoir and as well stay afloat in our marriage because I have had the attitude of taking and not giving back in our marriage. I admit this by far is my fault keeping her at arms length I mean I would start to let her in but then I would go back to holding her at arms length again because of all the hurt I have endured in the past. I must learn to have the attitude to start on the right path with God and trust He’ll fix the mess I have caused and through all that learn the new habit of sticking to what I have started.
I refuse to allow the devil the opportunity to keep me pinned down I allowed the enemy the opportunity to pin me down in the first place and I also allowed the open space for doubt to settle in my mind, but I refuse to accept this failure while standing by and doing nothing about it, because when God created me, He created me to be not just a soulja but a WARRIOR that faces His battles and circumstances with bold faith like a roaring lion on the hunt for victory. So if I’m going to begin, I mean I must begin here right now and not waver with my faith anymore because there is souls that God has entrusted me to lead with an example for others to follow towards freedom.
I refuse to allow this failure of my attitude of starting and stopping to set my course anymore, I will rise above all this with the Lord on my side.
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